People have asked me what it’s like to start a business in my mid-40’s. Is it scary? Hell, yeah. Every damn day. I question myself and wonder if I know what I’m doing. There are days I worry about money or compare myself to other business owners who I believe have it all figured out. I still catch myself waiting to feel ready. Ready to grow, ready to take the next step, ready to call myself successful.
What I’ve learned after all these years is that “ready” isn’t coming. And when I think about it, ready has never been part of my story. Seventeen years ago, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant due to the lifestyle I was living at that time. That wasn’t part of the plan. Actually, nothing about that chapter of my life went according to plan.
I gave birth to my son alone. No partner there with me. What should have been a routine delivery turned into an emergency C-section. Twelve days later, I was back at work. You read that right – TWELVE days. Not because I wanted to, felt physically ready or because I had recovered. I went back to work because I only had $13 in my checking account.
The bills didn’t stop coming because of an unplanned pregnancy. Life didn’t pause because I was overwhelmed, had post-partum depression, and had never changed a diaper in my life up until that point. I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart. I had this tiny little human depending on me.
At the time, I didn’t think of myself as brave. I wasn’t giving myself pep talks in front of the mirror. I wasn’t feeling empowered or strong. I was terrified, exhausted, and anxious for this little guy who ended up with me as his mama. I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time. And maybe that’s something we don’t talk about enough. People look back at difficult chapters in their lives and call them inspiring. But when you’re living them, they don’t feel inspiring. They feel hard, lonely, and uncertain. Most of the time, you’re just trying to make it to the next day.
For years, I thought courage was something people felt before they took action. I thought brave people somehow knew things would work out. I thought confidence came first. But that’s not what life keeps showing me. When I look back, most of the biggest moments of my life happened before I felt ready.
Becoming a mama, raising a child with special needs, going back to school, and finally obtaining my degree after attending six different colleges. Starting over more times than I can count. Starting a business. None of those things came with certainty or confidence. None of them came with a guarantee that everything would work out. Yet, somehow, I kept moving forward one step at a time.
What I’ve realized is that every time I face something new, I’ve acted as if I’ve never done hard things before. As if there aren’t examples in my past. Yes, I can figure things out. Yes, I can survive uncertainty. Yes, I can keep going despite being scared. I forget that woman exists. Why is that? That woman went back to work 12 days after an emergency C-section, because she had no other choice. That woman who figured out single motherhood one moment at a time. That woman who was never ready. But moved forward anyway.
Starting a business isn’t the first scary thing I’ve done. It’s just the latest. And maybe that’s the lesson I’m still learning. Courage isn’t confidence, nor certainty, nor feeling ready. Courage is taking the next step while you’re scared. It’s moving forward without all the answers. It’s trusting that you’ll figure it out because you’ve figured things out before.
I still question myself, wonder if I’m doing enough or if I’m capable enough. I still have days when I wish someone would hand me a roadmap. But when those moments come, I remember that the woman who got through all those hard chapters didn’t have a roadmap either. She didn’t have certainty, confidence, or the luxury of being ready, yet somehow she found a way forward regardless.
Being fierce is about remembering that you’ve survived every chapter that tried to convince you that you couldn’t. Being fierce is about taking the next step before you feel ready. Being fierce is about trusting the woman you’ve already proven yourself to be.
